remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
