So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize