oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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