I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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