I bet he comes in French.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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