Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
