Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
