I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
