A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
