One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
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