: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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