I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
