my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
