I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
