mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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