why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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