im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
My dick has a subreddit
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
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