Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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