Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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