someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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