I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
