if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
