Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
