Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize