please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I did not marry a roomba.
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