How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
