I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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