We're facebook friends in real life
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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