My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
