bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
