If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
