yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
