I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
