Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
