You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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