Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
