Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize