I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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