Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
