Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
