Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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