So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize