So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
