Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
birth control should be required to get into college
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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