her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i drank out of a bidet.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize