In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
