i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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