tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You are the jesus of drinking
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
