she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
