I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
two words...techno handjob
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
