the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize