You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
