How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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