Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
