That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
