Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
