Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
