I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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