the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
is it fun? or sober?
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