i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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