He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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