True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize