So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
